Welcome to Life Keeping

Let’s build a life, on purpose

Welcome to Life Keeping – a newsletter about building a life, on purpose. 

It was 1994. I was about to turn eleven, and, lucky me, my mom signed me up for an all-girls class at a local church about “growing up” otherwise known as puberty. I was mortified. We didn’t even go to church, so how did my mom find out about this class anyway? And why did I have to attend? Everything about my body changing filled me with shame and embarrassment. Plus, I was angry that girls had to endure the discomfort and inconvenience of periods but boys didn’t.  (Actually, I’m still a little mad about that.)  I trudged along from session to session, trying my best to blend in and avoid being noticed - or even worse, called on to share! In fact, I was stunned when other girls raised their hands, asked questions, and willingly participated in these classes. 

Finally I sat down in the last session and the teacher did not immediately pull up an image of the reproductive system on the overhead projector or launch into a story about how much pads had transformed since she was young and had to wear a sanitary belt (what?!) Instead, she began to tell us a story. I immediately relaxed. This was much more my speed. Maybe we were done talking about uteruses now.

She said that childhood is like taking a walk while carrying a basket. I imagined myself walking a dark wooded path, red riding hood and all. I didn’t hate this image. I loved a good story. Imagining myself inside one made it even better. While you are growing, the teacher continued, everyone you know places values, ideas, and beliefs in your basket. I thought about what would be in my basket – the ancient live oak tree in my grandparents’ front yard, my weekly trips to the library, summer road trips, and the idea that family comes first. 

I’m only just now realizing it, but the terrible shame I felt about my body was in my basket too. 

Then, the teacher went on, you hit puberty and it’s as if you trip over a root in the path and spill your basket. All those ideas and values go tumbling across the path and now you get to choose which items you will put back in and which ones you will leave behind. I knew I would put all those things I had just thought of back in my basket. What I would leave behind, I wasn’t so sure of. This part of growing up really appealed to me, unlike the bras, pads, and tampons that now dominated my thoughts and talks with friends. And I couldn’t have known it then, but this story wound up in my basket: it has stuck with me for the past 30+ years.

The teacher was right. As I grew into a teen and young adult, yes, I “tripped” and re-loaded my basket. Eventually, I found out that I wouldn’t just fall down once. There were a whole lot of roots along this path! It would keep happening over and over again. And in my younger years, I didn’t give each item a whole lot of thought as I replaced it. I just grabbed it all and tried my best to keep going. 

However, I did have moments of clarity from time to time. It was an afternoon in my early twenties. I turned my shopping basket down the soda aisle and then I saw the Cherry Coke. I thought about visiting my friend Brooke's house. She kept her fridge well-stocked with all sorts of drinks, including Cherry Coke. I could almost taste that fizzy first sip. Brooke’s house was the only place I’d drink it. Looking at that display in the store – three 12-packs for $9! – it suddenly hit me. I, too, could stock my fridge with cold, delicious cans of Cherry Coke. I didn’t have to wait to visit Brooke’s house any more. I did all my own grocery shopping and I could buy myself whatever I wanted. My world opened up a little and I laughed out loud. I picked up the 12-pack and loaded it in my cart. Nobody could stop me now! Open basket, insert Cherry Coke.

Days turned to weeks to months to years and life went on. I graduated and started teaching elementary school. I realized my favorite part of each day was when I’d read aloud to my students. I leaned into that love of books I’d had from childhood and became my school’s librarian. My basket was with me, the values inside guiding my decisions even when I wasn’t aware of it.

Eventually I got married and for years, my husband and I struggled with infertility. The only thing in my basket that seemed to matter during that time was wanting to have a baby. And it felt like that was the one thing I couldn’t have. Each month I hoped that my period wouldn’t come and then when it did, I’d have to call my doctor’s office to let them know. Usually I could hold it together for the phone call and then later I’d fall apart and cry in my bed. 

At long last I did get pregnant – with twins, and then I got pregnant again. Suddenly I was no longer a girl thinking about stories and deciding what to put in my basket. I was a woman with lots of responsibilities and not much time to think about anything else.

And then the pandemic hit. By then I was a stay at home mom of three kids under two years old, living in a new state with no network and no support system. I had lots of chores and caretaking to do, but my mind was idle in a way it had not been before. 

As a result, I dwelled on the past – re-read old journals and mulled over my past choices. I replayed interactions I had with students and their parents. I thought about childhood dreams I either abandoned or pursued. I questioned why I didn’t choose a different career path when there were so many options available. 

In short, I tripped over a giant root without even realizing it. On the surface, my life seemed fine. But I knew I had spilled my basket, and this time I could not rush to pick everything up and keep going. I turned each item in my hands and took a hard look at it.

I finally let go of some of the grief and guilt I had been carrying. I tried to forgive myself for my mistakes. 

Life moved on and became full again. My children grew and the world began to regain its rhythm. But I have changed. I don’t  want to wait for the next fall. Instead, I’m stopping here, on purpose, to sort through my basket and make sure each item has earned its place. I’m asking myself, “Do I still want this in my life? Is this still useful for me? How can I make this fit me better? Will I keep it in my basket or will I put it aside?” 

Life Keeping is a place where I can sit with these questions and examine the contents of my basket, one item at a time, and where, perhaps, you’ll begin noticing what you have been carrying too. Some weeks I hope we will discover things that are worth keeping, find ways to improve them, and slip them back into our baskets. Maybe we’ll find something we’ve been carrying that we are ready to put down. I’d love for us to sort through our baskets together. 

Each week, I’ll publish a roundup of what’s been filling my basket lately: things I’m reading, making, noticing, and thinking  . Twice a month, I’ll publish longer essays that explore the quiet work of tending a life and figuring out what actually matters. 

Come pull up a chair and join me on my back porch as I sort through my life’s basket. Maybe you can sort through yours as well. 

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Before you go, what was your “Cherry Coke” moment? I’d love to hear about the first time you realized, “Oh! I get to decide!” Feel free to share in the comments.

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